Tips for Creating the Business or Career of your Dreams Through Vision Boards
by Marion Licchiello
Marion Licchiello is the author of ANYONE CAN! Live A Happier Life
, a book about changing your attitude and thoughts to change your life, and To Make Up or Break Up - That is the Question
, which offers helpful questions to guide you in the right direction.
Marion is also an enthusiastic Certified Vision Board Coach, Self Empowerment Coach and Motivational Speaker. She prides herself on learning and growing to become a better person day by day and in turn helping others do the same. Marion's message is geared toward living a happier, more peaceful existence.
Her primary belief is, "Whatever you focus on is what you get, so why not focus on the positive?". She believes attitude is everything and changing one single thought can make a world of difference in your life. She believes that if she can do it, ANYONE CAN!
Marion says, "I was fortunate enough to start my own Vision Books before I ever heard of Vision Boards. Years ago, I started cutting out pictures and putting them in a book; images of who I wanted to be, how I wanted to act, what I wanted to wear & how I wanted to look. I was shocked when it was who I became."
She now creates vision boards for every part of her life. You'll be amazed at how magical a vision board can be. Are you ready for the career you've been waiting for?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Begin thinking about what you really want from a business or career.
What do you want to do in life? Who do you want to be? Do you know your mission or your life's purpose? It's easier to create a vision board if you have the vision, although it's not absolutely necessary. 2. Buy magazines and books pertaining to your goals
. Identify what it is you want to do - but if you can't yet, it's okay. Just buy the magazines that are calling out your name. 3. Begin cutting out pictures that resonate with you.
Find pictures that emanate and radiate the career or business you are dreaming about. If you're still not sure, pick out the ones that make you feel good, that show the life you want to live. 4. Cut out sayings that make you feel good
. Understand that no one else has to understand what these words mean... only you do. You can cut out the word "comfortable" and to you it means you are living comfortably financially. Your friend may use the same word and it means a comfortable office, or being able to wear comfortable clothes to work. There's no right or wrong - it's all about you. 5. Place your board where you can see it every morning and every night.
A vision board is a tool you get to look at every day so that you can keep the vision alive and in your mind. It can help you achieve your dreams, goals and/or desires. Visualize with the knowing that you will achieve your dreams. Believing is key!
Note: I am in a relationship now, but I am blogging this article because It got such a great response and I still believe you should celebrate yourself on Valentines Day.
Happy Valentine’s Day? I want to dedicate this article to February 14th because it’s become such a commercialized holiday for couples, lovers and significant others. Some take it lightly and some very seriously, but all in all if you are a couple you are receiving a card, candy or flowers at least, it seems to be such a wonderful day.
I want to write to the individuals out there who are not “a couple”, who have been single, widowed, divorced, newly single or soon to be divorced. This can also apply to people whose partner is out of town and feels lonely, alone or who are in a relationship where they are unhappy and either wish they were alone or were happier. I only put it in those words because this holiday has been commercialized in a way that it’s all about togetherness, intimacy and affection so there’s also nothing worse than being in an unhappy relationship on this very special day.
I decided this year I am going to dedicate my Valentine’s Day to self-love. I am important to me and it doesn’t matter if I have a significant other. I don’t need the candy or flowers or cards from a partner to know I’m significant on my own. I love myself and it took many years to be able to say that but I do; so why not treat myself to something. I’m not quite sure how I’ll show myself yet but I may do a number of different things. Here are some of my suggestions to you for having A Self-Love Happy Valentine’s Day.
- Get a massage.
- Buy yourself flowers.
- Buy yourself candy – If I do that I’m picking chocolate covered strawberries. Not only do I love them but there’s more fruit than chocolate. In my mind it’s healthier. Hee hee!
- Cook your favorite meal or a dessert.
- Go out with another friend who is single or whose partner is away.
- Visiting someone, an elderly person or someone who is a widower, can make a big difference for them and for you.
- If you’ve been single for a while and you don’t mind being around couples then join another couple.
- Get a RED manicure and/or pedicure (it’s not only Valentine’s Day but it’s The American Heart Month – Go red for women).
- Light some candles. Maybe do a little love spell to bring love into your life; what other day would be this perfect to call upon Cupid!!!!
- Take a bath with lots of bubbles, candles and maybe even a glass of bubbly or a non-alcoholic bubbly beverage. Don’t drink to drown away your sorrows. That might make you sad.
- Pamper yourself in some way you love and enjoy.
- Call a good friend you haven’t spoken to in years.
- If you are a parent enjoy the day with your kids or if you are a grandparent enjoy babysitting your grandkids.
- Make some extra cash babysitting for others who are going out.
- Watch your favorite love story or if that is not a good idea watch your favorite comedy.
- Wear Red and be bright out there in the world.
- Ask someone out you’ve been interested in.
- Have a party.
- Volunteer – sometimes helping others makes us feel so good and the people you are helping may have been alone if you weren’t there.
- Everyone has other single friends – do something with them that’s fun; dancing, movies, dinner, billiards, bowling, anything you think is fun and you both or all enjoy.
- Just relax and read a book you haven’t had time to or haven’t made the time to read.
- Do your best to remember it’s just another day. This is a tough one for me for some reason.
- Get a facial.
- If the weather is nice take a hike.
- Go somewhere you’ve been wanting to go.
- Enjoy a movie by yourself.
- Take this time to reflect on your future and do your best not to reflect on past relationships.
Do whatever you feel you have to do to make yourself happy. Take care of yourself. Love yourself and treat yourself as well as you would be treating someone else. We do not need someone else to buy us gifts on this holiday to make us feel good about ourselves. We are all significant, with or without someone else in our life on February 14th. We are never alone. We have family, friends, colleagues, people from church or spirituality groups or even local people in local stores. Whatever the case, you are never alone because you always have yourself, your faith, your spirituality, your pets, your kids, your grandkids your loved ones and again (a reminder) the most important person; yourself. Be as happy as you can to be alive, wish someone else a Happy Valentine’s Day and move forward. This is what I am going to do. I’m writing this article for myself also.
I am also reminding myself although it’s a holiday for lovers and togetherness there are lots of couples I know who are miserable, so I will do my best to be happy I am alone rather than miserable with someone else because sometimes that’s even more sad than being alone. See – That’s the bright side of it.
Remember you’ll notice couples on this day you never even knew existed but it’s okay. It’s okay not to be “a couple” on Valentine’s Day. Love yourself, take care of yourself, and be good to yourself.
Always remember you are worth it and you are significant; with or without another. Have the best day you can possibly have!!!!! Happy Self-Love Day!!!
I wrote this review on another blog before but I wanted to add it to this one because I really do love this item.
Okay.. it's time to do a review on a really, really cool item and a fantastically cool company. Let me tell you a little bit about SnackTAXI. Their mission is to create fun and friendly items that make it easy for everyone to move their food in sustainable style.
Here are some the advantages as listed on their tags of the Sandwich Sacks.
- Machine washable - and it's true – I washed mine and it's still in perfect condition.
- Their materials are free of lead, phthalates, and BPA – hooray!!!
- The US alone adds 20 million plastic baggies to landfills every singe day – These fashionable little bags help to cut back on plastic bag usage.
- Each reusable bag you use keeps as many as 100 plastic bags out of the waste stream – Hooray SnackTaxi!!!
I tested out my SnackTAXI sandwich sacks several times in the last few weeks. I brought everything from sandwiches to pretzels to healthy snacks and everything in between and I've been very happy with the quality, the lightness, and the fact that it is washable. It also helps that they are very stylish. All in all, I love my sandwich sacks. I may be trying other products of theirs in the future so stay tuned.
You go SnackTAXI! Way to go!!! Check out the website where they have other products and all the wonderful designs and patterns for adults and kids.
This is from their about us page:
I invented SnackTAXIs way back in 2003 as a way to stem the tide of plastic ziplock bags that flowed from our house to the landfill when our 3 kids started school! We pack over 500 lunches every year, and had definitely fallen prey to the easy appeal of the ziplock bag.
SnackTAXIs are easy too - really! They are made in our home-based workshop by talented (and fun!) local sewers - we are committed to keeping our business local, and will never outsource our labor.
We hope you'll enjoy using snackTAXIs as much as we enjoy making them! Erin Kelly-Dill, Owner
For more information visit www.snacktaxi.com
Delighted to share.
LOVED THIS DVD
This workout DVD was excellent. if you know me then you know I love Leslie Sansone so I am reviewing her DVD's first for the New Year. You can find my review of Leslie's other workout video on my Poughkeepsie Journal Blog by clicking on this link
This Walk to the Hits workout went by quickly and it was fun. There were some new moves that I haven't seen before from Leslie; more movement, more fun and it was HIIT - High Intensity Interval Training - which is really ideal for burning fat and losing weight, in my opinion. The workout features women and men of all sizes. It's a wonderful workout for advanced workout buffs but it's just as great for someone just starting, all you have to do is not jump around as much...that's the great thing about all of her workouts; they are good for all levels.
I chose to do the entire workout today which is 47 minutes/3 miles but you have the choice to do it all, 1, 2 or 3 miles.
Take it from me, this is a must-do. Loved it!!!!
I woke up one morning my weight loss and getting fit journey and got on the scale to find that it was higher today than yesterday. I've been counting calories each day and working out, needless to say I felt let down. I know that focusing on a number is counterproductive to the mindset I have worked so hard to achieve. In the past I weighed myself daily, and I may do that again in the future. I truly believe if you are someone who doesn't allow it to affect your moods, then it's great. I aspire to be like you. For me, the problem is weight loss varies significantly, depending on how much I exercise, muscle vs. fat, how much salt is in or on my food, water intake and so many other variables.
In the past, after my illness, if I lost a pound, I ate to celebrate. If I gained a pound, I ate out of disappointment. Happy - eat, Sad - eat - eat, eat, eat. With my awakened realization back to well-being, I know if I am eating healthful and working out, it's all good. If I do not see a deviation on the scale, one week, I have to ascertain why. If we know we are doing all the right things, then a scale shouldn't matter. Right? Logically yes, emotionally is another story because I'm a little perturbed right now. Usually, I'd say the heck with it and eat junk food but not today. I am going to continue my journey on the path that leads to a healthier, happier, and more energetic me. My self esteem will not be determined by a piece of equipment that reads out numbers. If I'm not eating healthy I expect the number to go up.
I exercised since I was a teenager. I usually am very health conscious. The past year and ½ it's been difficult. Today was still an excellent eating day for me. I didn’t allow it to get to me this time. It’s only a number and I know I’m doing everything right! Bravo to me!!!!!!!
I'm not saying, by any means if you weigh yourself everyday to track your results that you shouldn't. I'm saying that we need to keep it in perspective and know if we are doing the right things then the weight loss and positive outcome will follow.
How are you doing? Does the scale play a part in your progress? Does it hurt your progress or make it better? Think about it.
Relationships Need Compromise and Understanding to Last! (Especially around the holidays)The holidays are hard enough for some individual's...add relatives who are not our favorites to the mix and it makes them even more difficult. Sometimes we need to compromise. Of course, sometimes we don't, depending on the other person but for people we think deserve it, here are some thoughts.
How are your relationships with family members and friends? Do you compromise in your relationships?
If the answer is no - maybe you should read this. Compromise
is the key to any good relationship; whether it be with your spouse, mom, dad, friend, acquaintance or the clerk you see every day in the store. It doesn't matter who it is; compromise is always the key. Once you learn this key rule in life you will change your relationships. You don't always have to be right
How many relationships have you been in where either you or the other person won't budge? Do you think you are always right? Would you rather always be right or always be kind? No one is always right every time. It's funny, I say to my family and friends - If I tell you something it's because I'm 100% sure it's correct, or at least 99%. By this time in my life, I don't nag but if I tell you something, I'm only telling you because I did my research or experienced it already. I feel I don't give advice that will steer anyone wrong, but again, I'm not always right either. I don't give advice unless I've been there, done that. I do know what works or worked for me may not necessarily work for someone else though. Even though I only give advice when I think/pretty much know I'm right that doesn't mean I am right. I know that. I'm not perfect: just sharing things I've learned in the past. Males and Females are very different
In a male/female relationship things are always different than a male/male or female/female relationship. For one thing, most women and men think differently so it makes for unfamiliar communication sometimes. It's not because we don't want to understand each other, it's just because we are programmed so differently from childhood into adulthood. When I was growing up the thought process of my elders was - men were taught they are the providers/the hunters - that's how they take care of their family. Women were taught they are the ones who take care of their family through emotional support, cleaning, cooking, etc. Yet now a days things are different but a lot of individuals still carry that mentality. And if that's the way you choose to live that's great, I'm not putting it down in any way, shape or form.
Sometimes girlfriends understand each other better because they were brought up the same way or guys understand guys better because they were brought up the same way. Some guys who were raised with sisters think more like women
or treat women differently and same for women with brothers. It's all a matter of figuring the other person out, if possible, and compromising
. My boyfriend knows women quite well because he's always had female friends so he's very nice to be around.Put time, kindness and patience into your relationships
So, relationships take a lot of work and you have to be willing to put the work into them in order to have a good one. What you put into it (like anything else) is what you'll get out of it.
Be kind to your partner, your mom, your dad, your daughter, your son, your friends and/or anyone who you are in a relationship with. Remember he/she is human too. Be patient, compromise and love them. Treat them the way you expect to be treated. If you wouldn't want them to say something to you, don't say it to them. Send love out into the world. You'll get it back.
Remember, compromise, compromise, compromise
. It's not as painful as you think. If you really love someone it's easy.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!!!! BE AS KIND AS YOU CAN. WE ARE ALL ONE.
What are you doing for Thanksgiving this year? I always ask when every holiday rolls around; will you be eating healthfully, eating anything you want whether it’s fattening or not, then going back to healthy eating the next day or will you be eating everything but in moderation? Whatever you choose it’s okay but I’m going to give you some lighter suggestions.
If you’re watching your calorie or fat intake, this year for Thanksgiving you can replace some of your normal recipes with some lower fat recipes or just cut back a bit. Basically the most detrimental things on our holiday menu are your simple sugars (anything made with white flour and/or sugar, etc). So how can we eat more nutritious, complex carbohydrates instead? First of all it’s Thanksgiving so everything isn’t going to be healthy but some things can be substituted to be healthier than they would’ve been.
Mashed Potato Substitute
Have you ever had mashed cauliflower in place of mashed potatoes? NO? Don’t knock it until you try it. You’d be amazed at how good it is. You can probably find the recipe on any healthy eating or light cooking website. If you are going to have your normal mashed potatoes and you are making them, try replacing heavy cream with buttermilk and cut down on the butter.
I always enjoy my salad on the holidays because I ask my sister to bring her wonderful, yummy, scrumptious creation. She adds so many items into her salads yet keeps them low calorie and healthy. In any given salad made by sis you can find foods such as romaine lettuce, mesclun mix, grapes, nuts, mandarin oranges, cranberries, blueberries, you name it and at different times you find all or some in the mix. She then makes a wonderful salad dressing that I think is made with olive oil, vinegar, nuts, and whatever fruits are in the salad. YUMMMMY!!!!!!! I wouldn’t think I’d like it if I was reading it but I love it. Just beware of the dressings; they are very high in calories if they do not say light or fat-free. Check the labels. You would be surprised your 50 or 100 calorie salad can ultimately turn into 700 calories.
Sweet potatoes are a great source of fiber and help stabilize blood sugars and we need that on Thanksgiving Day. Don’t we? I love making baked sweet potato chips. Although it is not fun cutting them it is worth it when you eat them. They are so easy to make; just cut thin slices, spray with Pam or any cooking spray on both sides and add some spices. It’s all about what you like – salt, pepper or any other kind of spice you prefer.
Most of us stuff the turkey; that’s why it’s called stuffing. However, stuffing made on the side has way less calories and so much less fat because it’s not baking in the juices. When you eat the stuffing from the turkey you are literally eating all the fat that didn’t leak out. It’s like taking a piece of bread and leaving it in the oil on the bottom of the turkey pan until it’s saturated through and through then eating it. So, if you normally make stuffing in your bird, make some on the side, too. It’s definitely the healthier way to go. Anyone partaking in the festivity who is watching their fat intake will love you for it.
Allow others to add butter themselves. Serve it plain and let everyone know butter is on the table.
Pies and Baked Goods
I know many people who choose to substitute apple sauce for oil in their baking recipes. There are just a few rules I learned when doing that:
Also for your pies, use non-fat whipped cream.
- If you choose to use sweetened applesauce reduce the amount of sugar in the recipe or use unsweetened applesauce instead.
- Apple sauce should always be measured in a liquid measuring cup.
- Make sure the applesauce is properly and thoroughly mixed into the cake or pie mix; remember it is a different consistency than oil so you want to really mix it well.
- It should take the same amount of time to cook and it will be very moist.
Whatever your day looks like on Thanksgiving and how ever you decide to eat, have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Let me know if you have anything to add to these healthier holiday goodies. I always appreciate your feedback.
I was speaking with a good friend a while ago about how her husband really brings out the worst in her. My thought after I hung up the phone was: if it wasn't inside, it couldn't come out. It was as if she was blaming her husband for her anger. No one can make something come out that is not already inside.
Before going to bed I asked myself, "What can I do to explain this to my friend?" I let it go and went to sleep. Low and behold at 3:45 a.m. a quote came to me I heard years ago by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I quickly scurried out of bed to look up exactly what he said to share it with her today. This is what I found.
"When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out - because that's what's inside. When you are squeezed, what comes out is what is inside."
This was also part of it:
"Did you ever hear a kid curse in front of their parents and then respond, "I slipped up?" They didn't slip up; they slipped out what was in. Those words had to be in you, to come out of you.
The results that you're getting in your life aren't an accident; those results are based on what's inside of you. You have to change the inside, if you want change, and you change the inside by changing what you spend your time thinking about. When you spend your time focusing on good things, then good things will come out of you."
We all know my belief is: whatever you focus on - positive or negative - is what you will get, so focus on the positive. That is what the last line reminded me of. I feel this was such a wonderful life lesson learned and I want to share it hoping it will shed light on her situation and make her think about it. Maybe it will make you think, too, as you are reading this. Just the thought put me back on the right track.
I remember an ex of mine would get really mad over a certain situation and say, "I'm not usually like this". He would carry on and go off about a certain subject and say, "I don't get like this" etc. From all I learned in life, if you are like that at the moment, you can't say you are not; it's what is inside of you coming out.
Dr. Wayne Dyer also said - An orange is an orange, whether you paint it yellow or call it a lemon; if you squeeze it you will still get orange juice. A person can think they have changed an emotion or gotten over something but if something affects them and makes them that angry, it's still inside of them.
Like with an orange, if you squeeze it, you put all your weight on it, and it bursts - you are going to get juice inevitably. With people, if anger is inside and someone says or does things that create pressure for them or makes them feel like they are going to 'explode' and they have that 'explosion' waiting to erupt inside of them - they will 'explode'. If the anger is inside, it will happen again until they clear it up.
It's when we are going through those types of moments we realize what is inside us. How wonderful is that? My friend calls that an AFGO. Acronym for Another F$%king Growth Opportunity. I love that. Please excuse my French!
Really give thought to how you react to situations. Do you get mad, angry, upset? Do you say "he got me angry" or "she makes me so angry, I just explode"?
I've written many times about how I do my best not to let things bother me (as much as humanly possible of course) such as someone driving too slow or driving two inches from my bumper or even cutting me off in traffic. I learned a long time ago, when listening to one of my personal development CD's - it's not worth it. If I get angry and allow this person to affect my day and they are oblivious going along about their day - who is this hurting? Not letting these types of situations cause anxiety is really what helps me to keep things in perspective and not get upset.
Ask yourself a few questions. Is that person who comes out when you explode the real you? What else sets you off? Your parents? Your kids? Your animals? Your boss? Your job? Really think about this. If so, what is it in you making that happen? Do you see something in this other person you see in yourself?
They say we are all mirrors for each other. Sometimes someone in our present brings back something we didn't like about ourselves in the past. If you are getting angry at them for that, maybe you haven't fully forgiven yourself yet. It's amazing how once we forgive ourselves we don't get as angry with others. Just saying.
I learned a long time ago to take 100% responsibility for all my emotions, feelings, and actions. So isn't it my responsibility to take ownership of my emotions and not try to justify them by blaming someone else for causing them?
Yes. If I admit that to myself then I can begin on a more positive journey. I can change my negative patterns and behaviors to more positive ones. Once you own it, you have power and control over it. This is something that can be changed so sometimes there just needs to be courage to change the things you can in order to get that piece of mind. I know I want to become the champion not the loser.
When this thought came to my mind this morning, I got up immediately to look up something from Dr. Wayne Dyer and this is what I found that I felt would help. I do my best to practice this most of my life now. I'm human and I don't do it always but I do my very best to live, as said so wonderfully below, by one of my favorite mentors.
Love Your Enemy?
8/3/11 at 10:30 am by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
The poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, "If we could read the secret history of our enemies we would find in each man's sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."
Harboring anger and hatred toward anyone guarantees that you remain in low energy fields where problems will continue to crop up repeatedly in your life. Try examining every relationship in which you feel judgmental thoughts of anger and hatred. Replace those thoughts with energies of acceptance, kindness, cheerfulness, and love. You will have to make a personal commitment to, first of all, notice what you are feeling and then exercise your ability to choose to send love.
When your heart becomes pure, your enemy becomes your friend, or even more significantly, your teacher. Your worst enemies are your greatest teachers because they allow you to examine the emotions of anger and revenge and then to transcend them. They give you the exact tools you need to elevate yourself to the spiritual energies that eliminate problems and provide solutions.
When you send love in response to hate you accomplish one of the most difficult things for anyone. As I look into my conscience I can now honestly say, I have no one who I can call an enemy. Over the course of my life I have been disappointed many times. Some have borrowed and never repaid. Some have forgotten their promises. Some have left me for others. Some have cursed me and spread rumors about me. Some have stolen from me. I send love to them all, mindful of the Buddha's words:
"We live happily indeed, not hating those who hate us. Among men who hate us we dwell free from hatred."
It has been this transformation in my own thinking, perhaps more than anything else, that has allowed me to move out of those low energy problem regions of my life. It is a powerful strategy for raising your spiritual awareness.
Isn't that great? I truly do my best to live by this thought process and had to remind myself that as my friend was was telling me her story because I started feeling something come up in me and instead I am now sending her husband love and light as I do with most situations.
This practice had truly made my life so enriched; problems and situations that would normally make someone nuts aren't as bad for me most of the time. It makes transitions smoother and life a lot more calm and peaceful.
As a matter of fact, when I'm going through situations with others who are going off on a tangent, I usually just stay calm and it drives them nuts. It's who I've become. I grew up in the Bronx so I experienced anger. I experienced rage. I experienced anger in my own home so I know what it's like. I choose to send love and peace as Pollyanna as that sounds.
"What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds."
--- Wayne Dyer
Thanks for reading. I hope you got something out of this.
It's weird how life works. How we allow people and situations to stand in the way of our dreams. Our body tells us when a relationship is not healthy but we do not always listen. Why is that? Our intuition is so loud sometimes, yet we turn down the volume. Below you will find some of the answers I get through surveys.
The question is "Why do you stay in a bad relationship"?
- I don't want to be lonely. (Recently I even met a 73 year old woman who is staying in a 10 year relationship and I can speak of her because she is anonymous and she is very unhappy but feels she’ll be lonely.)
- I want to have someone in my life.
- I don't want to do things alone.
- I don't want to be alone forever.
- How will I pay the bills on my own?
My question to you is - "Is it worth it"? What is healthier, being in a bad relationship or being alone (lonely)? I want you to ponder that. If you are in a bad or unhealthy relationship right now, think about it. List the pros and the cons on a sheet of paper or on your computer. If the con side far outweighs the pros, figure out why you are staying. Shouldn't you be running as fast as you can? I know it's not always easy. Sometimes there are children involved or a lot of assets that are keeping us holding on. Some of you may just not want to hurt the other person so you stay in the relationship and hurt yourself instead.
Getting out of a bad relationship is the same as setting other goals (of course there are a lot of emotions attached to it). First you must start with thinking about what you do
want out of life. You must set the goal. Begin taking steps, big or small, and then take action.
You now have two choices. Do you want to make this relationship work (is it worth it?) or do you want to move on? Answering that question is the first step. You must make that decision. Once you make that decision it's time to set some serious goals.
I believe in focusing on the positive. However for this list, you need to first think of some negatives so that they could be changed into positives.
Begin putting a list together of all the things you do not like about your relationship. What drives you over the deep edge? What makes you unhappy or makes you cringe? What makes you know that this relationship is not healthy?
Once you complete the Negative list, it's time for a Positive list. What makes you happy in this relationship? What does he/she do that makes you happy? What good qualities does this person possess? What good times do you have together?
This is your Pros and Cons list aka Positives and Negatives list. If you plan on Staying and making it work.
Go over your negatives (cons) list and really think about everything that is on that list. Does it really matter if there is toothpaste splatter all over the sink and mirror? Is the toilet seat being kept up really a major issue? Is the fact that she hangs her pantyhose all over the bathroom a real problem? When he shaves and there are little hairs on the sink top, is that really a reason for breakup? When her hair is all over the place is that a reason? When she asks you to do the same thing over and over again, is that really nagging or have you just not done it you just been procrastinating? Go within and really give thought to the issues and see if they are issues that you could live with. No one will ever be perfect. This I will guarantee you. If he or she does not cause major life issues, and I'm talking about: Is he or she verbally abusive, mean, nasty, and downright rude? Does he or she have serious addictions? Are there issues that are even worse? Is there infidelity in the marriage? Are you going for counseling? I always suggest counseling first because it does help some couples. It is usually the last ditch effort and who knows where it will take you if it is a relationship worth saving. If the other person is not willing to go for counseling, I'd consider changing your mind about staying unless you know there is definite chance for improvement without it. I am not telling you to leave your partner, all I am saying is, really, really think about your situation. You must start changing your thoughts and attitude to change your life.
Now, if you have decided I'm definitely staying,
then here are some steps I would suggest that you to take.
Start by making a list of all of the positive things about this person.
Why did you fall in love with him/her?
What does he/she do that makes you smile?
Is he/she funny?
Is he/she your best friend or at least one of your friends?
What attracted you to this person?
Start writing down all of the positive things from the past and start appreciating all of those things first. This will put you in a great frame of mind for the present. I always tell my clients not to think about the past. What I mean is the negative past, but I love the positive aspects of the past so by all means think about those for this exercise. Leave the negative past right where it is, in the past. That's the only way this is going to work. Start from this moment on. A relationship filled with grudges can never succeed. The grudges get bigger and bigger as the years go on. If you really want this to work let go of the Ego, let go of Pride. Start from this moment on. Everything that your partner told you that you do not do for them or with them should change NOW! It's not too late if you both want to make it work. Take it as constructive criticism or them telling you so you have a better relationship.
I had a partner that I told many times what I needed from him, and he would not do it. First, he said it was because he couldn't do it immediately after I asked him to because it wouldn't feel like it was coming from him. Then, when it didn't happen for three weeks and I commented again, he called this nagging, he said I needed to remind him and it was my fault it wasn’t happening because I was reminding him. I'm here to tell you right now...if you want it to work, listen to the feedback you get from your partner. Have they told you in the past that you don't appreciate all that they do? Start telling them how much you appreciate them. Have they told you how they just need a little bit of touch every now and then or a hug? Start touching and hugging them. These little things could change your entire relationship. People want to be heard, they also want to be loved. Everyone has a different way of feeling and showing love. I will share that in another article. Appreciate your partner! Point out the good!
Make a list of all of the things that this person does now that you are grateful for. It could be as little as throwing out the garbage or washing the dishes. Or it could be as big as providing for the family and being a great father or mother, being the best housewife or partner. Really think about what you are grateful for. This is a very important step on your journey to happiness. Add what you are grateful for to the things that you loved about your partner from the beginning. I am grateful for ___________. If you plan on leaving.
First make sure that you are positive that this is your decision. Don't jump to any rash decisions. Weigh out all of the options. Again, the pros and cons/positives and negatives list. Do what's right for you. Start this very moment thinking about YOU. Not your spouse, partner or the kids. I know that sounds harsh but you need to take a moment to focus on you. If you don't you will feel overwhelmed and as if there is no way out. If you have any doubt about leaving, this is an exercise that I would suggest you do.
Tony Robbins did something to this effect at a seminar and it definitely had a huge impact on many attendees. We all had our eyes closed and the room was dark. When you do it, if you do it, you will be alone so it will be even easier. I thought this was a very powerful tool to see a glimpse of the future. I would like you to do something similar. After you read all of this, close your eyes or look at yourself in a mirror and imagine yourself in this relationship 5 years from now. How do you feel? How does your body feel? How is your mind? Take some time to really put yourself there. Then picture yourself in 10 years from now, 15 and 20. How do you feel? I want you to really concentrate on each time frame for more than a few minutes. Really put yourself there. How do you feel? I know that when I did this exercise many, many years ago when it was time to end a relationship, I got a knot in my stomach. I almost felt nauseous and I was crying. I felt more and more unhealthy and unhappy as the years went on in my mind. That's okay. If that is the case - ask yourself - Is this where I am supposed to be? Is this where you want to be? Do you want to feel like that in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years? Don't waste your life away if you are not in the right situation. If you feel sick to your stomach, if you are crying, if you feel like this is so wrong then you need to reevaluate where you want to be in life. This doesn't sound like the person for you. Making a change would probably be advantageous to your well-being. I’m not advocating you breaking up; just giving you my thoughts on the matter.
If the answer is a surefire yes, that you are leaving, then here are some steps that you will need to take.
Start setting goals.
Find a good lawyer. Find one that will make it a peaceful transition and not cause more trouble within the already unhealthy relationship. You set the ground rules by being fully aware of what you wish to keep and not to keep ahead of time. Be fair, this isn't a battle. This will help you stand your ground though, in case anyone tries to sway you. You know what you want. You need for this divorce to go the way you want it to go. If that is smoothly that is great. Remember it is better to be kind than right. Do your best to be the best you possible through this.
Do you have enough money to leave now? If not, start saving. If it’s that bad find somewhere to go or someone to take you in for a short time.
Do you have somewhere to go while in transition? If not, do you know where you want to go or could afford to live? In a furnished room, apartment, townhouse, condo, house, with a relative or friend? Will you stay in your home? Remember, material things mean nothing compared to happiness.
Who will be leaving?
These are all very important things to think about.
Do you have children? If so, how will you handle this situation? Will they be with you ½ the time and the other parent the other ½? Do you want sole custody with visitation rights?
Think about all of these things ahead of time so that when you present this to your lawyer and partner you are totally prepared and ready for any questions and comeback. Don't leave any room open for "ifs" and "buts" and negative feedback. Let the other person see that you really planned this out and you are serious. It may be a lot of work for you to do alone but it is worth it to have a calmer break up. You may decide to seek counseling or hire a Self Empowerment Coach to get you through the transition. Some people think that break ups can't be calm. My belief is it is all in the way you present it. If you're ready to fight - the other person will put on their gloves. If you take a peaceful approach this will sometimes, and I emphasize sometimes, calm the other person down. If not, at least you will have peace within yourself. Every now and then it just takes some time for the other person to see that the relationship really is unhealthy. Some individuals will never understand why you are leaving and blame you but that should not stop you from leaving. You may have told them about this problem 100+ times and they still don't know why you are leaving. That's okay. They may never get it. As long as you do what you need to do to take care of you. It just probably means you have different ways of showing love and you just don’t mesh.
Before leaving I would also think about what part you play in this relationship. Do you need some counseling either alone or together? Do you have past issues that interfere with your current situation? Did you pick someone who was wrong for you or is he/she totally right for you and YOU need to change? Are you sabotaging the relationship because deep within you don’t feel like you deserve this person? It's not always the other person. Men and women have different ways of communicating. Please be sure to look within first. Sometimes, we are the cause of a bad relationship. It's hard to accept that but it is sometimes true. Please take that into consideration. What could you change that might ultimately change the relationship? Have you tried this yet or are you just running? There are so many things to take into consideration before ending a relationship. My best endings to relationships were the ones people shared with me how they perceived me because it enabled me to change those things for future relationships.
Good luck with your future. I hope that you either stay in a healthy relationship, make a not so good relationship great, or think about whether you want to stay or go if you are in a bad one. Just be sure to be sure! This is a big decision. Only speak to people who are going to encourage you to do the right thing and be supportive of your choices. Sometimes others will try to talk us into staying in a bad relationship. Sometimes they try to talk us out of a good one. You always want to take others advice into consideration but don't take it to heart. Review it and keep what resonates with you, the rest throw out.
I wish you luck on your journey!
Marion Licchiello is creator of Get Motivated with Marion, a company that helps to change people’s lives on a daily basis. She has helped numerous men and women transform their lives over the years through changing their focus, creating a new mindset, visualization, seminars, workshops, and 1-on-1 coaching. She coaches over the phone, IM or in person. She keeps in contact through emails also. Her mission in life is to help others through her own experiences. She is the author of “ANYONE CAN! Live A Happier Life”. She is interested in your stories of how you changed your negatives into positives. She practices and believes that "Whatever you focus on is what you get" whether it is good or bad, so why not focus on the good. She changed her life through visualization and focus and she knows you can too!
Email Marion at firstname.lastname@example.org
to learn more about how you could change your life or help someone you love. Website: www.anyonecanliveahappierlife.com